I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
