Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
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Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
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You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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