Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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