god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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