He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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