Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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