someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
And then he peed in my hair
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