the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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