I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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