I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Your penis caused this!
I did not marry a roomba.
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