hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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