lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
