I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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