captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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