Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Too much gin, very little bucket
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
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i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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