saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
