the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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