So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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