A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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