i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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