I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
