I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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