I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
