that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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