In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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