I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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