dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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