Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
