Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
