he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
