I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
