Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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