sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
