Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Just cropdusted the office
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
