awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
