Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
