Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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