guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
