he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
