I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
