The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
