You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
