I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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