Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
