im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
