Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
