i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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