3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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