I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
