the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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