he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
sex in a hospital.. check
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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