forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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