Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
