I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Randomize
