It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
My balls are so social today.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
