remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
