AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
