don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
